I gotta say again, I am so lucky to have found my trainer Ben. And thank god he doesnt charge extra for therapy. Working out and getting in shape is a lot harder than people think. And no I dont just mean the actual workouts, or even finding the time (which seems to be a thing I struggle with in general). But there are alot of emotional issues that I know I have that make it tough for me to be as successful as I want to be. For one, I put tremendous pressure on myself to do things as quick as possible. And everyone knows that losing weight superfast isnt the way to do it. And thankfully Ben is there to remind me of that. But then I get mad at myself when I eat something I know I shouldnt or when I miss a workout or when my numbers havent dropped as much as I want. In past situations I have just quit. I tell myself its not worth it and that its better to just focus on something I have more control over. But its different this time. Ben takes the time to listen to me and what I am struggling with, and he adjusts the program as needed. Im not saying he makes it less work or too easy. Like the other day when I was doing pull downs and was on #8 and thought I was going to die, he sure as hell made sure I made it to #12...and then #13 just to prove a point. And you know what? I was glad. I was proud I made it through. He always says "I'm not going to ask you to do anything i'm not absolutely sure you can do." And while sometimes I hate it, and desperately try to even hate him for making me do it (although I cant because he's too damn nice!), I always make it through. So what is slowing me down? Food. DAMNIT! You cursed beast! You cruel lover! You backstabbing friend! Its so unfair that something I love so much can make me feel so bad. Since I started my weight loss/get fit program, I have adjusted my food plan several times. The first time i committed to something I didnt want to admit to myself would never work for me. The next time, still being way to ambitious, I failed again. Now, I am trying to take things one day at a time. The trouble is, when I think about my food in advance, it makes me just think about food all day! So I try not to think about it and then I either dont eat or I eat wrong. This was the topic of me and Ben's conversation Monday. I feel like such a failure that I cant nail down this food problem. But thankfully Ben is there to remind me that I am not failing anything. And that I have made a lot of progress from where I first started. I told him "i just want to eat big bowls of cereal! But I know its not a good choice! I want it even more than I want a cheeseburger." To which Ben said basically to give in to the cereal craving instead of the cheeseburger. Seems so simple right? So now my homework for this week is to drink my muscle milk shake every morning, without fail. And yes, I know that is something I can do. And to make sure I am eating lunch and dinner.
Here is the big struggle though. I need to try to find more time in my schedule for me personally. To either cook for myself, or to workout at home, or to even go food shopping. And I think we all know thats gonna be a tough one for me. I have already left one project I had picked up, but still no time has opened up. And I love working. I do. I just need to find a balance. And honestly if it werent for Bens encouragement, and for the fact that I am seeing results, I would be sunk.
So I keep trying. I will break this cycle of food addiction at some point. I just have to believe in myself....as much as Ben believes in me. :)